Me: God.. Why have you kept me lonely so far? What’s your evil plan for me?
God: Who says you are lonely?
Me: Some family members of mine.
Me: Some people around me.
God : And?
God: But I am with you. You don’t like my company?
Me: No no no. It’s not like that. I like to be with you. But you are God and not a person. Also, people believe in you. But if I say that I am talking to you when I am alone, they’ll admit me to the nearest mental hospital.
God: Is it about what people say to you or is it just you?
Me: *thinks for a while* It’s both.
God: You can’t fix people. They have their own twisted logic. What you can do is to fix yourself.
Me: Get a partner? I tried and I gave up. You aren’t helping me.
God: You’ll never be lonely if you have my company. The desire to have someone physically by your side is the root of this problem.
Me: But.. But.. What’s wrong in having such a desire? When I look around, everyone has someone with them. I feel left out.
God: Desire, expectation, make way for disappointment. You already know that. Yet you behave like you are ignorant.
Me: What should I do?
God: Don’t think about it. If at all you feel alone, give me a call.
Me: So you aren’t helping me to find a partner for myself.
God: I am. You can have a partner who may or may not be there always or You can have a partner who will always be there with you. Your call. *vanishing act*
Me: Fuck life…
Everyday, this year, I sit down and look back and I am overwhelmed. While thinking about it, I often get these questions. Do I deserve this? What have I done to deserve this? I don’t get clear answers for the questions. Every year, the when I ask the same questions, I get improvised answers . I continue to ask those questions in a hope that someday, I’ll get a clear answer.
But life doesn’t give you everything you want. It gives you what you deserve. And what you deserve depends on a complex equation with infinite variables. It is very difficult to determine the value of a variable. So I just leave the equation to solve by itself. Fate or destiny you may say.
Sometimes, You know the variable. You know which variable is causing the problem and you chase down the variable. The hunt gives a relief for a while. Then there are times when you know the variable but you can’t determine it’s value. This is the time when your patience, your integrity, your will and other core characteristics are tested.
Over the last couple of years, I have identified one such variable which is causing too much of trouble for me. That variable is companion. Believe me, I have tried. I have tried all possible ways to solve this but it’s not as easy as it seems. Apparently, the whole equation will be affected with the determination of this variable. I am stuck. I have no idea how to move forward. The hope that kept me going on for so long is fading out.
Will I be able to solve it before the hope fades out completely???
नवीन वर्ष. नवीन सुरुवात. यावर्षी काहीतरी वेगळं करण्याचा प्रयत्न करा.
साचेबद्ध राहण्यात काहीच अर्थ नाही. यावर्षी स्वतःसाठी थोडा वेळ काढा.
आपल्या माणसांसाठीसुध्दा थोडा वेळ काढा.
आयुष्यातील छोट्या छोट्या क्षणांचा आनंद लुटण्याचा प्रयत्न करा.
या तुमच्या प्रयत्नांसाठी माझ्या शुभेच्छा. नुतन वर्षाभिनंदन!!
I am back..
I am bigger..(Ummmm.. At least my belly is)
Like every year, I want to set some goals for this year. Because life without goals is nothing but…Zombie??? Yeah. Zombie is the right word. It’s aimless and boring… So let’s set some goals and try to get them to some through the post.
1) Solo trip: It’s back again on this year’s list and I have placed it at the top. That much is the importance of this trip for me. I don’t know where I’ll go, when I’ll go, But I want to make it happen this year.
2) Socialize : Last year, I stayed aloof for most of the time. It’s time to get back to being human. I’ll try to attend as many social functions as I can with the exception of weddings and ring ceremonies. Best to avoid THE question.
3) Books : I have been successful reaching this target every year for past 4 years. I am making it difficult this time by setting a target of 40 books. This is steep by my standards. More because I am planning to read more hard copies instead of ebooks.
Three are sufficient. This is a mammoth task and a lot of effort is required to fulfill these. Along with this, I will also try to unclutter my mind. I feel that I have got a great start for this year. Making the most out of it will help me reach my goals.
Until I free up my mind…
This is that time of the year when I used to blog. I mean, it was the only time I used to blog. It’s one of the things that changed this year. Let me try to list the major events that changed me this year.
1) Books : This is one constant in my life throughout. It’s the most I have ever read in a year. 36 books, 10000+ pages. I had increased the count from the usual 24 books to 35 books. Some books surprised me. Some disappointed. But overall, I am quite happy with my reading. I wish to continue this in coming year.
2) Training Camp : I attended a training camp in last 7 days of the year. Before the camp, There was a doubt that I won’t be able to defend myself from physical attacks. Somewhere in a corner of my mind, I wanted to learn self defense. This camp fulfilled my wish. Though this isn’t advance level training, it has increased my confidence. I wish to practice and get more comfortable with the techniques.
3) Gujarat Trip : My resolution for 2017 included a solo trip which I couldn’t manage. The tour of Gujarat doesn’t fulfill my goal but it does bring joy and pleasant moments. The peak of the tour, literally and metaphorically, was the Girnar Yatra. Those days, those memories will stay forever with me.
4) Dealing with loneliness : A major portion of this year was spent lonely. I didn’t attend much social functions, weddings etc. and tried to remain aloof. My goal was to prepare myself for what’s coming for me. It’s harsh reality but I have to deal with it. I was successful to some extent but there were moments which lead me into my shell. I wish to and I have to put more effort to deal with this.
5) Back to blogging : My blog was almost dead. But this year, I have put some life into it. The goal was to posts 1-2 post every month. Posts which reflected my thoughts. 18 posts (including this one) is a good start I say. This is another thing I want to continue in coming year.
There have been some more life events that changed me. Some scarred me. Some healed me. But I do not wish to make them public. 2017 was good but I am hoping for a better 2018. Let’s see how it goes.