Answering Machine Messages

Here are 10 messages you can keep on you answering machine.

10. My wife and I canā€™t come to the phone right now, but if youā€™ll leave your name and number, weā€™ll get back to you as soon as weā€™re finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and donā€™t need their picture taken. If youā€™re still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for callingā€¦. and Iā€™ll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! Johnā€™s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Iā€™ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi! This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didnā€™t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, donā€™t worry, I have LOTS of money. Continue reading →

Signs that you are grown up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

3. 6:00 a.m is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

4. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

5. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

6. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

7. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

8. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won’t turn down the stereo.

9. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

10. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

11. You take naps. Continue reading →